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Subject: -Just For Fun-
Replies: 20 Views: 2702
lew15d 3.01.10 - 12:29pm
This topic isn't ripping off the Just For Fun forum, but lets everybody who's a member of the group have a laugh. Tell jokes, random stories, or just gossip. 
You may want to talk about what you've been doing too. Remember, thanks for joining YourMP3s. Your best interest is at heart. *
cobusbo 3.01.10 - 01:20pm
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she said Well duuhhhh, it had to be at least 8 characters long
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I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then
he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My
co-worker (Sipho) asked me what I was doing.
I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss
would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are
you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a
couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (Sipho) followed me, the Boss asked him
'...And where do you think you're going?'
(You're gonna love this.....)
He said, ... 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.'
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there were a blonde and a brunette. they were going to go rob a bank and when they got there the brunette was like remember what i told you. the blonde said ok. the blonde opened the door and the brunette said 5 minute no longer. the blonde nodded. the brunnette wait and wait untell the blonde came out 15 minutes later... with a rope around her with the safe tyed around her wast. the guard comes running out with his pants around his ankles yelling stop. so the blonde couldnt put any more so she untied it and jumped in the van.
the brunette said i told you to tye up the guard and blow the safe
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Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the b...lind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!!
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-- HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anti te, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromatize, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, b*tter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, Anglicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, and start again.
-- HOW TO SATISFY A MAN:
Show up naked with food.
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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out, and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes, he informed the couple, You can get married in Heaven. Great! said the couple. But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. What's wrong? asked the frightened couple.
OH, COME ON!!! St. Peter shouted. It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???
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I was at an ATM when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
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A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud 'hiss pop' noise. The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold, explains the guide. The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple. Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine made a hiss hiss hiss pop sound. The man taking the tour said 'wait a minute. I understand what the hiss sound is, but whats the popping sound ever so often?' oh its The same with the baby-bottle nipples machine! A needle pokes a hole in every fourth condom, explains the guide. But that can't be good for the condoms, said the man. . The guide then said : 'yes, but its great for the baby-bottle nipple business!
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Smart Kiwi
Bruce is an Aussie Beggar, Trevor is a Kiwi beggar. They both live in
Sydney and beg in different areas of Bondi...
Bruce begs just as long as Trevor but only collects 2 to 3 every day.
Trevor brings home a suitcase FULL of 10 notes, drives a Mercedes,
lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Bruce says to Trevor 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do
you bring home a suitcase full of 10 notes every day?'
Trevor says, 'Look at your sign what does it say'?
Bruce's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Trevor says 'No wonder you only get 2- 3.
Bruce says... 'So what does your sign say'?
Trevor shows Bruce his sign....
It reads: 'I only need another 10 to move back to New Zealand '
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1) you cant touch all your teeth with your tongue.. 2) all idiots, after reading the 1ste truth, will try it.. 3) the first truth is a lie... 4) your smiling n0w because youre an idiot.. 5) you will soon tel anothdr idiot to read this.. 6) theres stil a stupid smile on your face.. *
proton 3.01.10 - 06:32pm
above post is tooooo big lol *
lew15d 3.01.10 - 09:14pm
I love the password joke, Cobus! 
Proton, have you got any jokes, mate? *
cobusbo 3.01.10 - 09:56pm
lol I got a few more but most of them are dirty types of jokes I got them inboxed from a group in fb *
cobusbo 4.01.10 - 09:10am
made my first registration and login php script yay 
*
lew15d 4.01.10 - 09:12am
How did you manage that? lol. Are they hard to do? *
cobusbo 4.01.10 - 10:58am
not really though I started with tutorials I downloaded but the basics of php is available free from the php site. Its really easy once you started you cant stop you feel like you are the king of the world when you are finnish I shared the script on the forum coding-talk.com they helped me through all the problems I experienced while building it I even setuped an Mysql database I can make my script more secure and continue building it till I reached a site like pro lol *
lew15d 4.01.10 - 12:17pm
You'll have to make one, mate. I'd happily join. 
*
lew15d 4.01.10 - 12:18pm
Question: What do you call a fly with no wings?
Answer: A walk! *
cobusbo 4.01.10 - 05:37pm
maby in 50 years time lol *
sphinxzz 5.01.10 - 11:44am
WOW REALLY AMAZING.... *
cobusbo 5.01.10 - 03:53pm
Q: Do you know why birds fly to south in the winter?
A: Because it's too far to walk there.
--------------------
Q: Why do birds fly south in the fall?
A: Because it's too far to walk!
--------------------
Q: Which letters do Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Sa ay have in common?
A: None! None of them have c, o,m or n in them.
--------------------
I tried this one with Japanese university students. They understood all the words and enjoyed it.
--------------------
Q: What are the 3 important rings in life?
A: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and suffering.
Q: Which room has no doors, no windows.
A: A mushroom.
--------------------
Q: What gets wetter as it dries?
A: A towel
Q: A man rode into town on Tuesday. Two days later he rode home on Tuesday. How is this possible?
A: His horse's name is Tuesday.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A: He didn't have anybody to take. (any BODY)
--------------------
Q: A father and his son were in a car accident. The father died. The son was taken to the hospital. The doctor came in and said: I can't do surgery on him, because he's my son. Who was the doctor?
A: The doctor was his mother.
--------------------
It's an old riddle that is more difficult in some countries than in others.
Q: Why did the student take a ladder to school?
A: Because he/she was going to high school!
--------------------
Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Beacuse it saw the salad dressing!
--------------------
Q: What are the two strongest days of the week?
A: They are Sa ay and Sunday. All the others are weak (week) days.
--------------------
Q: How far can a dog run into the forest?
A: Halfway, after that he is running out of the forest.
--------------------
Q: What do you call a bear without an ear?
A: BBBBBBB
--------------------
Q: Which is faster, heat or cold?
A: Heat, because you can catch a cold.
A: How many apples can you eat if your stomach is empty?
B: 4 or 5
A: No, that's wrong, because after eating one apple your stomach isn't empty.
--------------------
If you are doing a discussion about space, then students will like this one.
--------------------
Q: Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?
A: To find Pluto.
--------------------
Q: What is the differnce between the capital of Russia and a calf's mother?
A: One is Moscow, the other is a cow's Ma.
(It needs to be spoken to understand it.)
Q: What do you call a Spaniard who can't find his car?
A: Carlos
It's pro nounced carless (meaning without a car)
--------------------
Q: What's the difference between electricity and lightening?
A: You don't have to pay for lightening.
This riddle may be used when teaching a lesson on occupations.
--------------------
Q: What's the difference between a TEACHER and a CONDUCTOR ?
A: A teacher TRAINS the MIND and a conductor MINDS the TRAIN.
--------------------
Q: What part of your body disappears when you stand up?
A: Your lap. (good for phrasal 'stand up', and 'laptop', lap-dog, etc.)
-------------------
Q: What do you call a witch at the beach?
A: A sandwich.
--------------------
Q: Why did the trafic signal turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
--------------------
Q: What's the difference between a lion with toothache and a wet day?
A: One's roaring with pain the other's pouring with rain
-------------------
Q: Why are baseball stadiums so cool?
A: There is a fan in every seat.
My Spanish-speaking students got a kick out of this one.
-------------------
Q: What do you call a person who speaks 3 languages?
A: (Try to elicit responses..) Tri-Lingual.
Q: What do you call a person who speaks two languages?
A: (Many of them know this one) Bi-Lingual.
Q: What do you call a person who speaks one language?
A: An American!
--------------------
Q: What do you call a fish without an eye?
A: Fsh.
(Hint: No eye = No i)
--------------------
Q: What has thirteen hearts but no body and no soul?
A: A pack of playing cards.
-------------------
Q: What do you call a fish that only cares about himself?
A: Selfish.
-------------------
Q: Why couldn't Mozart find his teacher?
A: Because the teacher was Hayden.
(Hayden -- Hidin' -- Hiding)
-------------------
Q. What's a minimum?
A. A very small mother!
(mini-mom)
--------------------
Q: Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?
A: Because it's two-tired (too tired)
-----------------
Q: What do you get if you cross a pig with a karate fighter?
A: Pork chops.
Q: What's got a head and a tail, but no body?
A: A coin.
--------------------
Q: What's got a wave but no sea?
A: My hair.
-------------------
Q: What has three feet but no legs or arms?
A: A yard.
-------------------
Q: Where does a boxer who weighs 135 kilograms sit on a bus?
A: Wherever he wants to.
-------------------
What makes oom and gives milk?
A cow walking backwards.
-------------------
Q: What does a man say when he walks into a bar?
A: Ouch!
--------------------
Q: Where does Dracula stay when he goes to New York City?
A: The Vampire State building.
--------------------
Q: What do cows like to read?
A: The mooooospaper
-------------------
Q: What is the longest word?
A: Smiles, because there is a mile between the first and last s.
------------------
Q: What's the longest word in the English language?
A: Smiles. (Because there's a mile between the first and the last letter.)
A: What is the word that everybody always says wrong?
B: Wrong.
--------------------
Q: What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
A: Short
--------------------
A: What's the longest word in the dictionary?
B; Rubber-band -- because it streches.
--------------------
Q. How many seconds are there in one year?
A. Twelve. January second, February second, March second...
--------------------
Q. What two days of the week start with the letter T?
A. Tuesday and Thursday? NO, today and tomorrow!
--------------------
Q: What did the doughnut say to the loaf of bread?
A: If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn't be hanging around this hole.
---------------------
Q: Why did the pony have a sore throat?
A: Because it was a little horse. ( se)
Q: What did the undertaker die of?
A: Coughin' (coffin)
Q: Why can't a nose be twelve inches?
A: Because then it would be a foot.
Q: How do porcupines kiss each other?
A: Very carefully.
Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck.
Q: What has teeth but can't bite?
A: A Comb.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side.
Q. Why did the turkey cross the road?
A. Because the chicken was on vacation.
--------------------
Q. Why did the baby cross the road?
A. Because it was stapled to the chicken.
Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A: To get to the other slide!
--------------------
A: Why did the chewing-gum cross the road?
B: Because it was stuck to the chickens foot.
--------------------
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the possum it could be done.
--------------------
Q: Why do people call their own language their mother tongue?
A: Because their fathers seldom get a chance to use it.
-------------------
NOTE: For this to be funny, students need to understand that in many cultures women have the image of speaking so much that their husbands seldom have a chance to say anything.
Q: A big moron and a little moron are walking across a bridge when the big moron falls off. Why didn't the little moron fall off?
A: He was a little more on.
------------------
Q: Name one eight letter word that has kst in the middle, in the beginning, and at the end.
A: Inkstand, in is at the beginning, kst is in the middle, and and is at the end.
--------------------
Q: When does a dialect become a language?
A: When its speakers get an army and a navy.
Q: What is a Honeymoon Salad?
A: Lettuce alone without any dressing.
-----------------
Q: Why is it impossible to starve in the desert?
A: Because of all the sandwiches (sand which is) there.
-------------------
Q: Why don't sharks eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funny.
-------------------
Q: What would the pig say when its tailed was held tight by the farmer who had a sharp knife in his other hand?
A: That's the end of me!
----------------
Q: Do you know where people send a horse when it is sick?
A: To a horsepital.
--------------------
Q: What did the doctor say when the invisible man called to make an appointment?
A: Tell him I can't see him today.
-----------------
Q: Which 'BUS' could cross the ocean?
A: Columbus!
-------------------
Q: What a bee says when it gets in the hive?
A: Hi Honey! I'm home!
-------------------
Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a nut !
--------------------
A: Why did the boy balloon chase the girl balloon?
Q: Because he wanted to see her bust!
Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: fsh (No letter i, so no i's.)
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea. (No eye deer)
--------------------
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?
A: Still no idea.
Q: Where do cows go for entertainment?
A: They go to the mooovies!
Q: What animal is it that has four legs a tail and flies?
A: A dead horse!
--------------------
A: What is the difference between a mail box and an elephant?
B: I don't know.
A: I'm not going to give you any letters to post then!
--------------------
Q: What do you call 'a fly' without wings?
A: You call it 'a walk.'
-------------------
I saw this on a web-site of musician jokes. It's not original, but I thought I would share it. Here it is:
--------------------
Q: What's the difference between a musician and a savings bond?
A: A savings bond eventually matures and earns money.
-------------------
Q: What color is a guitar string?
A: Plink!
(It is the sound the a guitar makes. The word sounds like the color pink.)
--------------------
What goes ZUB, ZUB?
A bee flying backwards.(Buz,Buz)
-------------------
(After teaching about telling time)
Teacher: What time is it?
Students: Umm, eight fifty-nine?
Teacher: Nope.
Students: About nine o'clock?
Teacher: No.
Students: What then?
Teacher: It's time to go home.
-----------------
Q: What did one light bulb say to another light bulb?
A: You are the light of my life.
-----------------
Q: Why did the golfer take and extra pair of pants for his Sa ay round of golf?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
------------------
Q. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers?
A. In case he got a hole in one!
------------------
Q: What flowers have two lips?
A: Tulips
-----------------
Q: They travel all over the world but end up in the corner, what are they?
A: Stamps
----------------------
Q: Why didn't the farmer cry when his dairy cow fell off the cliff?
A: There's no use crying over split milk.
--------------------
Q: Ten copycats were sitting in a boat, and one jumped out. How many were left?
A: None. They were all copycats.
-----------------
Q: What is the difference between a jeweler and a jailor?
A: A jeweler sells watches. A jailer watches cells.
----------------
Q: What is a bachelor?
A: A man who never Mrs. (misses) anyone.
-----------------
Q: Why do cows have bells?
A: Because their horns don't work.
----------------
This one may be difficult for some ESL students since it requires knowing the words seagul, bay and bagel
------------------
Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A: Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels!
-------------------
Q: What's the difference between a trampoline and an English textbook?
A: You take off your shoes before jumping on a trampoline.
Q: How do you get ten English teachers to agree on the best teaching method?
A: Shoot nine of them.
(Use as an example of the insult variety of jokes.)
Q: Why were the little drops of ink crying?
A: Their mother was in the pen and they did not know how long her sentence would be.
--------------------
Q: How many sheep does it take to make one wool sweater?
A: I didn't even know sheep could knit!
-----------------
Q: What's a teacher's favorite nation?
A: Expla-nation.
-------------------
Q: What's the most colorful state of U.S.A.?
A: Color-ado.
----------------
Q: In what state does it cost the most to live in?
A: Expennsylvania.
------------------
Q: What did the cannibal who was late for dinner get?
A: The cold shoulder.
---------------------
A Christmas time joke for grammar classes:
Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.
---------------------
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Why bother, he won't come anyway.
Q: How do you top a car?
A: Tep on the brake, tupid!
-------------------------
Q: Is there a word in the English language that uses all the vowels including y ?
A: Unquestionablely!
-------------------
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter?
A: Because it's too far to walk.
--------------------
Vocabulary Quiz:
Q: What is the longest word in the English language?
A: Smiles. (There is a mile between the first letter and the last letter.)
--------------------
Information Quiz:
Q: What is the tallest building in our town?
A: The library. (It has the most stories.)
-------------------
Q: If you are Russian before you enter the bathroom and Finnish after you leave the bathroom, what are you when you are in the bathroom?
-----------------
A: European. (You're a-peein'.)
-----------------
This riddle may be good for high-level science majors.
---------------
Q: What do you call a test tube that graduates from high school?
A: A graduated cylinder
--------------------
Here is a good riddle to demonstrate the battle-between-the-s*xes kind of jokes.
------------------------------
Q: Why did God create the man before he created the woman?
A1: The answer that men give: To give him the chance to enjoy Heaven on Earth for a few moments.
A2: The answer that women give: Everyone makes a draft first!
------------------
Q: How did Jonah feel after he got swa11owed by a fish?
A: Down in the mouth.
--------------------
Q: What did the monk say to the hotdog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.
Maybe only appropriate for more mature students.
--------------------------
Q: What did the fish say when he hit the wall?
A: Dam!
--------------------
Q: A man was locked in a room with only a bed, a calendar, and a piano. How did he drink, how did he eat, and how did he get out? Another man was locked in a room with only a mirror and a table. How did he get out? A third man was locked in an empty room. How did he escape?
------------------
A: The first man drank from the springs of the bed, ate the dates off the calendar and played the piano until he found the right key, which he used to unlock the door. The second man looked in the mirror to see what he saw. Then he took the saw and cut the table in half. Next, he put the two halves together to make a whole. Finally, he crawled out through the hole. The third man broke out with the measles.
-------------------
Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick! *
cobusbo 5.01.10 - 03:54pm
Q: Do you know why birds fly to south in the winter?
A: Because it's too far to walk there.
--------------------
Q: Why do birds fly south in the fall?
A: Because it's too far to walk!
--------------------
Q: Which letters do Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Sa ay have in common?
A: None! None of them have c, o,m or n in them.
--------------------
I tried this one with Japanese university students. They understood all the words and enjoyed it.
--------------------
Q: What are the 3 important rings in life?
A: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and suffering.
Q: Which room has no doors, no windows.
A: A mushroom.
--------------------
Q: What gets wetter as it dries?
A: A towel
Q: A man rode into town on Tuesday. Two days later he rode home on Tuesday. How is this possible?
A: His horse's name is Tuesday.
Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A: He didn't have anybody to take. (any BODY)
--------------------
Q: A father and his son were in a car accident. The father died. The son was taken to the hospital. The doctor came in and said: I can't do surgery on him, because he's my son. Who was the doctor?
A: The doctor was his mother.
--------------------
It's an old riddle that is more difficult in some countries than in others.
Q: Why did the student take a ladder to school?
A: Because he/she was going to high school!
--------------------
Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Beacuse it saw the salad dressing!
--------------------
Q: What are the two strongest days of the week?
A: They are Sa ay and Sunday. All the others are weak (week) days.
--------------------
Q: How far can a dog run into the forest?
A: Halfway, after that he is running out of the forest.
--------------------
Q: What do you call a bear without an ear?
A: BBBBBBB
--------------------
Q: Which is faster, heat or cold?
A: Heat, because you can catch a cold.
A: How many apples can you eat if your stomach is empty?
B: 4 or 5
A: No, that's wrong, because after eating one apple your stomach isn't empty.
--------------------
If you are doing a discussion about space, then students will like this one.
--------------------
Q: Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?
A: To find Pluto.
--------------------
Q: What is the differnce between the capital of Russia and a calf's mother?
A: One is Moscow, the other is a cow's Ma.
(It needs to be spoken to understand it.)
Q: What do you call a Spaniard who can't find his car?
A: Carlos
It's pro nounced carless (meaning without a car)
--------------------
Q: What's the difference between electricity and lightening?
A: You don't have to pay for lightening.
This riddle may be used when teaching a lesson on occupations.
--------------------
Q: What's the difference between a TEACHER and a CONDUCTOR ?
A: A teacher TRAINS the MIND and a conductor MINDS the TRAIN.
--------------------
Q: What part of your body disappears when you stand up?
A: Your lap. (good for phrasal 'stand up', and 'laptop', lap-dog, etc.)
-------------------
Q: What do you call a witch at the beach?
A: A sandwich.
--------------------
Q: Why did the trafic signal turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
--------------------
Q: What's the difference between a lion with toothache and a wet day?
A: One's roaring with pain the other's pouring with rain
-------------------
Q: Why are baseball stadiums so cool?
A: There is a fan in every seat.
My Spanish-speaking students got a kick out of this one.
-------------------
Q: What do you call a person who speaks 3 languages?
A: (Try to elicit responses..) Tri-Lingual.
Q: What do you call a person who speaks two languages?
A: (Many of them know this one) Bi-Lingual.
Q: What do you call a person who speaks one language?
A: An American!
--------------------
Q: What do you call a fish without an eye?
A: Fsh.
(Hint: No eye = No i)
--------------------
Q: What has thirteen hearts but no body and no soul?
A: A pack of playing cards.
-------------------
Q: What do you call a fish that only cares about himself?
A: Selfish.
-------------------
Q: Why couldn't Mozart find his teacher?
A: Because the teacher was Hayden.
(Hayden -- Hidin' -- Hiding)
-------------------
Q. What's a minimum?
A. A very small mother!
(mini-mom)
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Q: Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?
A: Because it's two-tired (too tired)
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Q: What do you get if you cross a pig with a karate fighter?
A: Pork chops.
Q: What's got a head and a tail, but no body?
A: A coin.
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Q: What's got a wave but no sea?
A: My hair.
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Q: What has three feet but no legs or arms?
A: A yard.
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Q: Where does a boxer who weighs 135 kilograms sit on a bus?
A: Wherever he wants to.
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What makes oom and gives milk?
A cow walking backwards.
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Q: What does a man say when he walks into a bar?
A: Ouch!
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Q: Where does Dracula stay when he goes to New York City?
A: The Vampire State building.
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Q: What do cows like to read?
A: The mooooospaper
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Q: What is the longest word?
A: Smiles, because there is a mile between the first and last s.
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Q: What's the longest word in the English language?
A: Smiles. (Because there's a mile between the first and the last letter.)
A: What is the word that everybody always says wrong?
B: Wrong.
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Q: What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
A: Short
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A: What's the longest word in the dictionary?
B; Rubber-band -- because it streches.
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Q. How many seconds are there in one year?
A. Twelve. January second, February second, March second...
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Q. What two days of the week start with the letter T?
A. Tuesday and Thursday? NO, today and tomorrow!
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Q: What did the doughnut say to the loaf of bread?
A: If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn't be hanging around this hole.
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Q: Why did the pony have a sore throat?
A: Because it was a little horse. ( se)
Q: What did the undertaker die of?
A: Coughin' (coffin)
Q: Why can't a nose be twelve inches?
A: Because then it would be a foot.
Q: How do porcupines kiss each other?
A: Very carefully.
Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck.
Q: What has teeth but can't bite?
A: A Comb.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side.
Q. Why did the turkey cross the road?
A. Because the chicken was on vacation.
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Q. Why did the baby cross the road?
A. Because it was stapled to the chicken.
Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A: To get to the other slide!
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A: Why did the chewing-gum cross the road?
B: Because it was stuck to the chickens foot.
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Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the possum it could be done.
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Q: Why do people call their own language their mother tongue?
A: Because their fathers seldom get a chance to use it.
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NOTE: For this to be funny, students need to understand that in many cultures women have the image of speaking so much that their husbands seldom have a chance to say anything.
Q: A big moron and a little moron are walking across a bridge when the big moron falls off. Why didn't the little moron fall off?
A: He was a little more on.
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Q: Name one eight letter word that has kst in the middle, in the beginning, and at the end.
A: Inkstand, in is at the beginning, kst is in the middle, and and is at the end.
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Q: When does a dialect become a language?
A: When its speakers get an army and a navy.
Q: What is a Honeymoon Salad?
A: Lettuce alone without any dressing.
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Q: Why is it impossible to starve in the desert?
A: Because of all the sandwiches (sand which is) there.
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Q: Why don't sharks eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funny.
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Q: What would the pig say when its tailed was held tight by the farmer who had a sharp knife in his other hand?
A: That's the end of me!
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Q: Do you know where people send a horse when it is sick?
A: To a horsepital.
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Q: What did the doctor say when the invisible man called to make an appointment?
A: Tell him I can't see him today.
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Q: Which 'BUS' could cross the ocean?
A: Columbus!
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Q: What a bee says when it gets in the hive?
A: Hi Honey! I'm home!
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Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a nut !
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A: Why did the boy balloon chase the girl balloon?
Q: Because he wanted to see her bust!
Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: fsh (No letter i, so no i's.)
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea. (No eye deer)
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Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?
A: Still no idea.
Q: Where do cows go for entertainment?
A: They go to the mooovies!
Q: What animal is it that has four legs a tail and flies?
A: A dead horse!
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A: What is the difference between a mail box and an elephant?
B: I don't know.
A: I'm not going to give you any letters to post then!
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Q: What do you call 'a fly' without wings?
A: You call it 'a walk.'
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I saw this on a web-site of musician jokes. It's not original, but I thought I would share it. Here it is:
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Q: What's the difference between a musician and a savings bond?
A: A savings bond eventually matures and earns money.
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Q: What color is a guitar string?
A: Plink!
(It is the sound the a guitar makes. The word sounds like the color pink.)
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What goes ZUB, ZUB?
A bee flying backwards.(Buz,Buz)
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(After teaching about telling time)
Teacher: What time is it?
Students: Umm, eight fifty-nine?
Teacher: Nope.
Students: About nine o'clock?
Teacher: No.
Students: What then?
Teacher: It's time to go home.
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Q: What did one light bulb say to another light bulb?
A: You are the light of my life.
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Q: Why did the golfer take and extra pair of pants for his Sa ay round of golf?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
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Q. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers?
A. In case he got a hole in one!
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Q: What flowers have two lips?
A: Tulips
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Q: They travel all over the world but end up in the corner, what are they?
A: Stamps
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Q: Why didn't the farmer cry when his dairy cow fell off the cliff?
A: There's no use crying over split milk.
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Q: Ten copycats were sitting in a boat, and one jumped out. How many were left?
A: None. They were all copycats.
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Q: What is the difference between a jeweler and a jailor?
A: A jeweler sells watches. A jailer watches cells.
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Q: What is a bachelor?
A: A man who never Mrs. (misses) anyone.
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Q: Why do cows have bells?
A: Because their horns don't work.
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This one may be difficult for some ESL students since it requires knowing the words seagul, bay and bagel
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Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A: Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels!
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Q: What's the difference between a trampoline and an English textbook?
A: You take off your shoes before jumping on a trampoline.
Q: How do you get ten English teachers to agree on the best teaching method?
A: Shoot nine of them.
(Use as an example of the insult variety of jokes.)
Q: Why were the little drops of ink crying?
A: Their mother was in the pen and they did not know how long her sentence would be.
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Q: How many sheep does it take to make one wool sweater?
A: I didn't even know sheep could knit!
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Q: What's a teacher's favorite nation?
A: Expla-nation.
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Q: What's the most colorful state of U.S.A.?
A: Color-ado.
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Q: In what state does it cost the most to live in?
A: Expennsylvania.
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Q: What did the cannibal who was late for dinner get?
A: The cold shoulder.
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A Christmas time joke for grammar classes:
Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.
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Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Why bother, he won't come anyway.
Q: How do you top a car?
A: Tep on the brake, tupid!
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Q: Is there a word in the English language that uses all the vowels including y ?
A: Unquestionablely!
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Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter?
A: Because it's too far to walk.
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Vocabulary Quiz:
Q: What is the longest word in the English language?
A: Smiles. (There is a mile between the first letter and the last letter.)
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Information Quiz:
Q: What is the tallest building in our town?
A: The library. (It has the most stories.)
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Q: If you are Russian before you enter the bathroom and Finnish after you leave the bathroom, what are you when you are in the bathroom?
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A: European. (You're a-peein'.)
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This riddle may be good for high-level science majors.
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Q: What do you call a test tube that graduates from high school?
A: A graduated cylinder
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Here is a good riddle to demonstrate the battle-between-the-s*xes kind of jokes.
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Q: Why did God create the man before he created the woman?
A1: The answer that men give: To give him the chance to enjoy Heaven on Earth for a few moments.
A2: The answer that women give: Everyone makes a draft first!
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Q: How did Jonah feel after he got swa11owed by a fish?
A: Down in the mouth.
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Q: What did the monk say to the hotdog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.
Maybe only appropriate for more mature students.
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Q: What did the fish say when he hit the wall?
A: Dam!
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Q: A man was locked in a room with only a bed, a calendar, and a piano. How did he drink, how did he eat, and how did he get out? Another man was locked in a room with only a mirror and a table. How did he get out? A third man was locked in an empty room. How did he escape?
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A: The first man drank from the springs of the bed, ate the dates off the calendar and played the piano until he found the right key, which he used to unlock the door. The second man looked in the mirror to see what he saw. Then he took the saw and cut the table in half. Next, he put the two halves together to make a whole. Finally, he crawled out through the hole. The third man broke out with the measles.
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Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick! *
cobusbo 7.01.10 - 04:04pm
I passed my matric yay now im going to university *
lew15d 8.01.10 - 02:53pm
Have a great time, Cobus. Good luck! *
cobusbo 9.01.10 - 06:58am
got a laptop yesterday yay the specs:
acer aspire amd turion 64x2 m250 2.13ghz, 4096mb ram, 320gb hdd, super multi dvd writer, intergrated b - g - n wireless, integrated 10/100 ethernet, integrated 56k modem, integrated1 x ESATA port , integrated 1.3mp webcam, ati radeon with 512mb dedicated, 15.6 WXGA crystelbrite display, ms windows 7 home premium this is one of the best deals in SA lol *
lew15d 9.01.10 - 09:13am
Wait, so you're back already? 
*
cobusbo 9.01.10 - 10:38pm
no im gonna be busy for a month or so im bussy packing will be going in 2 days time the first few weeks i wont be active so im not back *
jakimc 21.05.10 - 10:51pm
Q:What do you get if you cross Star Wars with Formula !?
A:Michael Chewbacca..............................................................................................................................
........................................................ I know... it's really bad isn't it... *
lew15d 21.05.10 - 11:30pm
I love that one, mate! *
